I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
