i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
