So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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