if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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