Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
They have beer where we have blood.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
