lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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