I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize