He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
