please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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