Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
