was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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