If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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