Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"

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(585): View more from New York

even my farts smell like vagina

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(916): View more from California

I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.

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(253): View more from Washington

There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked

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(702): View more from Nevada

I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood

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