dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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