i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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