So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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