last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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