god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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