Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
