I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
