she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
