and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
