all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
