I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
