Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
