Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
