fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
