everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
