I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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