i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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