I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Randomize
