A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
you never un-have a 4some
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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