Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
