I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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