you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
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If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
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I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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