Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
