trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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