I molested 6 butterflies tonight
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
