I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
