i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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