This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
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dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
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AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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