I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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