I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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