Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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