remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
