At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
