i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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