i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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