On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
