I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
