Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
