All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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