I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
