1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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