I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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