tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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